God, how can THIS be good?
“If you could erase all the mistakes of your past, you would also erase the wisdom of your present. Remember the lesson, not the disappointment.”
Shortly after I graduated from college, I moved into the apartment of my dreams. I had a roommate who didn't mind giving me the larger bedroom, I had access to the bathroom through a private door and I was less than 15 minutes from work. It was perfect… or so I thought. Day 2 of our lease, I woke up to darkness hovering over my bed. Yes, you thought correctly, a roach was on the ceiling. I stared at it and it stared at me, but I didn’t stare too long because all of the sudden, I flew out of my bed in panic mode. Y’all, I don’t like roaches.
Week after week, I continued to fight off roaches walking in our front door and creeping through our window sills. The apartment that once was so perfect was no longer. I realized I made a mistake by not carefully considering where I was legally bound to pay rent for the following 12 months. My roommate and I fought off the roaches for weeks. We even came to compromise that I would kill them as long as she picked them up. This went on for months until the worst of the worst happened. We got new neighbors, but not the human kind, the rodent kind. One by one, a Jerry and his family made their home in our kitchen. I was traumatized to say the least. The problem never went away, rather our lease ended and I moved on. I vowed to never stay in a first floor apartment ever again and became very selective about the next place I chose to rent. I learned many, many lessons from my time at this apartment, but one that stuck with me is the perceived power of trauma can sometimes be more powerful than the trauma itself.
I had moved into a nicer, new home, yet I was still expecting rats and roaches to appear. That undoubtedly made me anxious. I had a hard time resting and accepting that I was no longer going to face the same traumatic experiences I once had. Granted, it’s normal to have some level of post-traumatic stress following situations like these, but persistent PTS needs to be addressed. Over time, I noticed that my new home was safe, clean and not housing any unwanted guests. Once the PTS had been resolved, I had a choice to make. I could look for rats and roaches and recreate the debilitating stress of dealing with that, or I could accept that that experience happened and moved forward. I didn’t get it right the first time, second or 17th time. However, I realized that until I stopped looking for the trauma, I was never going to release the past and to be at peace in the present.
That is my charge to you today. Stop looking for trauma and reliving the past and rest in the peace of today.
This is not a one and done thing so expect to walk through this as you continue to live life. I’m no longer looking for unwanted house guests, but sometimes I catch myself looking for trauma based on the other painful experiences I’ve had. You know what that means? I need more of Jesus, but as I pray and seek, I trust that God will heal and deliver. My prayer and encouragement is the same for you too.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” Romans 8:28
