Be Honest with Yourself

“Be honest with yourself.” I keep hearing that in my spirit over and over and over again. I think I’ve heard it more in the past two months than ever before in my life. I’d like to think that I keep hearing it for any other reason except for the fact that maybe, just maybe I haven’t been honest with myself. About 6 weeks ago, I turned 26 and, as it does every year, it triggered a time of serious reflection. Am I satisfied with my life right now? Are there any areas of disappointment that I would rather not face but-kinda-maybe-sorta-have to?? Are there any changes that I need to grieve? All these thoughts and questions have been flooding my mind and frankly I was overwhelmed. None of these questions had the black and white answers that I was looking for. I’m satisfied with my life, but of course there are unmet desires in my heart, topics of conversation that trigger uncomfortable emotions and oh yeah, I still haven’t mastered the pesky art of discipline quite yet. Naturally, there are disappointments I’d rather not face and as far as changes, oh yeah, I’ve got plenty of those. These are just a few ways I’ve had to be honest with myself recently. What’s even more honest is, I don’t always feel like working through things, but I do it because I know I need to.

I avoided being honest with myself because I wanted to “protect” my image of God. Surely God does not withhold good things from His children so if I don’t admit that he hasn’t come through yet, then I don’t have to see God as “ the one who disappointed me “. I’ve been frustrated wondering when I was going to stop going in cycles. I’ve cried many times wondering when certain people and places no longer had power over me. Yes, I still wonder why it bothers me that someone who barely knows me, treats me like a nuisance. I’ve been disheartened wondering why my prayers felt like they weren’t being answered. Then I stopped and shut down. By avoiding my true feelings, I robbed myself of truth and God’s perspective in the name of “protecting myself”.

I started avoiding the truth to “protect” my joy too, but I realized, honesty strengthened my joy. It draws me closer to God and gives me a reason to need more of Him. Joy doesn’t come from pretending everything is okay, but admitting “XYZ aren’t lining up the way I expected it to BUT STILL, God is on the throne of my heart.” What does that mean you ask? It means that because the presence of the Lord is in my heart, the presence of hope, joy, peace, love, light, confidence, authority, wisdom, grace, peace, patience, and gratitude is here — and that’s just to name a few. I’m learning to embrace all of it, especially grace. I’m learning to have the grace to admit to myself and God that I did not expect to be * here * but grateful that I am because I know God is here with me. He may not explain why everything is the way that it is, but at least I still have peace despite. I don’t have to hold everything, but find rest in Him. God is our Father and it is such a gift to rest in His arms and cry out to Abba, in the known and the unknown.

To be frank, honesty with God hurts. On one hand, it exposes wounded areas but on the other hand, it is a beautiful invitation to allow God to tenderly heal those hurts. I am re-entering this process so I will say this to you, but it’s for me too — Be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. Let the healing begin.